Sitting, waiting; with patience?
Not quite
1 hour
2 hours
3..
*bing*
Is the noise my phone makes
The familiar sound feels different this time, almost as if it's just as excited as I am.
I have not yet revealed what I was waiting for on that day.
A day, and experience, that I will never forget.
I was simply waiting for someone, anyone, to ask: "are you ok?"
I open the text with intense anticipation waiting for my reward from 3 hours of waiting. The text read: "What time is practice tomorrow?"
The text made me feel: like getting stabbed in the heart.
I stare at the text message.
I put my phone down.
I stare at the ceiling blankly.
I wonder if the longer I ignore the text, the greater the chance the letters will turn into something different than what I just read.
However, I'm not completely blind.
I'm aware of the terrors of those three words. But I'm also aware of their relief.
First: terror.
The "terror" of asking someone if they're okay.
To begin, let's deviate from "terror" and talk about comfort. There are many instances when it can be very comfortable to ask someone: "are you okay?". One of the best examples I can think of is when one of your friends falls (trips) and they are obviously not okay; in this scenario it makes sense for someone to come by their side and try to comfort and help them.
But why is this scenario, where the words "are you okay?" are so easy to release, so different from one where those words feel forbidden?
Key word: obvious
If a situation calls for an obvious need of these words then it is socially acceptable. However, if
the feeling of someone's off-ness or shift in mood is simply just that. A feeling. Then it's easier to believe it's just in our heads.
Because a "feeling" isn't tangible evidence of something "really" being wrong.
Why does asking someone "are you okay?", based on a feeling, bring terror?
Vulnerability.
In all real-ness, asking someone "are you okay?" doesn't exactly bring the conversation to the most uplifting point. "Are you okay?" is basically a gateway into asking someone to be vulnerable with you.
What comes after this is what is the root to the fear of the question.
Rejection: rejection is a common fear. Rejection in this situation is where the other person feels attacked by the question, "are you okay?" and then attacks the questioner back. After an exchange like this, it can make the person feel stupid or even embarrassed for even asking at all.
Then they "spill their guts":
Another way of saying this is, they confess.
It's possible that this question can bring a confession. And with this, it's likely the confession won't put either party in the most...comfortable situation. However, to complete the scenario, they confess what has been bothering them. But what's next? You have to say something right? I mean you should say something. But what? This question doesn't have one specific answer. The best word to describe what to say back is "comfort". Something that would comfort the other person.
And although "comfort" is a starting point, there are still so many possible responses.
And because of this, the terror of not knowing how to respond to someone's confession, the terror of responding the wrong way, and even the terror of having to respond at all can in itself prevent the question from being asked in the first place. And that I can assure you, is the real terror.
Second: Relief
What's the point of asking someone "are you okay?"? What's the achievement?
To make someone feel seen.
Relating back to the above examples, if someone falls and they're asked "are you okay?" it's obvious that someone saw their suffering. However, if someone expresses their suffering through actions that may not send a distinct message, the obviousness of their adversity significantly decreases.
But it's these situations where their hardship is more concealed, that the words "are you okay" are needed most.
These words hold power.
They cause the other person to think, to give them a chance to put their feelings into words. And this can bring so much to not only the one confessing, but the one listening.
Expressing your feelings can bring feelings of being heard, of being seen. And in hearing the vulnerable words of someone you care about, comes understanding and closeness.
Which both parties can improve from.
Where both people can gain relief and comfort.
In all, the absence of the words, "are you okay?" can bring people to feel unseen.
They're just three words.
Three simple words. But when combined: can make a huge impact; can cause others to feel
seen.
The key isn't the tool. The tool is small.
What expands the impact is courage.
Who will have enough courage to use the tool and make something great happen.
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