Cat’s Guide to Hitchhiking
By a slightly concerned cat
Rule number one is never get into a minivan because minivan equals kids and kids equals unnecessary hair-pulling. It’s highly unsettling.
I decided to write this guide because, being the small, furry creature that I am, I find it disappointing that there aren’t any instructions on how to get around for us. Thus, here I am, sharing my many pieces of wisdom and guidance to other small, furry creatures. An important point to make, I might add, is these tips are purely based on my experiences. I’ve discovered that most species are predictable, so I’ll say that these recommendations are pretty sound. But for the purposes of avoiding lawsuits, I’ll just mention that little fact.
Rule two is never ever eat the delicious round logs that humans call burritos. I will say that taste can be deceiving, and it left my insides at war for a couple of hours. Absolutely NO burritos.
This is an optional rule, but numero tres is try to avoid deep connections with others. It isn’t cat nature for us to feel overly emotional towards another organism, but occasionally there are those random few that seem more like dogs than cats. If you are one of those, then I will not discriminate against you or assume your nature, so you may have some relationships. But I strongly advise against more than four. It just complicates things.
Rule four is during play mode you must avoid any tall grass, shrubs, woods, or the underneath of trailers. We all get those little urges to run around and “chase a mouse,” so just don’t do it in any of those spots and you’re setting yourself up for success.
Number five is a big one. Do not under any circumstances ever put yourself in a location where there is no visible escape route. Not only does it lead to uncomfortable meowing for your life, but going back to rule three, it can put you in a position of reliance on another living thing. Most likely a human. And they are the worst. They just want to pet you. And take you home. And bring you to strange cloaked figures who stick needles in uncomfortable places. And then they put a noose around your neck. So yeah, don’t do it and everything will be just fine.
Six is a little different. Instead of telling you what not to do, for a change I’ll just give you a tip on what you can do. The best spot to sleep is in the bed of a truck, hopefully with some sort of soft material, under the night stars. Unless it’s raining. But if there are sharp tools then just spend the night on the ground. Otherwise there is an increased chance of incidents with sharp objects.
Rule seven is very very very important. Do NOT go into the hood of an automobile when it is cold. This is very serious. It can lead to a painful death that could actually be avoided. I have known many a cat that made that fateful choice and never came back. I know it’s cold, but the best thing to do is find a nice bush to lay under, or a soft bed of leaves. If you really have to, shine those sad bright eyes to some poor old sap who will let you into their trailer. But if it comes to that, plan your disappearance ahead of time because the lonely ones are the clingy ones. I mean have you ever heard of a cat lady? What a nightmare. Okay, not all of them are, but some.
And now, for my final rule. Never doubt the horizon. Road life can be lonely and it can feel like the moving around will never end. Even when you are hopeless of ever finding a home, remember that you always have the horizon. You know that somewhere just a little past it is the place you’ve been searching for. Someday you will find it.
I understand that some of these rules can be overwhelming, disappointing, maybe a little unreasonable. But trust me, I’ve been on the road a long time so this comes from loads of experience. This is just me, you’re typical hitchhiking cat, spreading my knowledge of travels and greater experiences. Whether you want to listen is your choice. There are eight rules, and as you know we only have nine lives so you can only break each rule once. Just kidding, not all of the rules lead to death, just number seven. But you get my point.
All in all, I hope this was helpful. And if it wasn’t, I’m sorry, I tried my best (and I have a good lawyer). Even if travelling seems difficult right now, believe me, it gets easier over time. We are adaptable creatures. We push forward. We survive. All you have to do is pick your paws up.
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