Amethyst
hung from your left wrist by a gold, braided string.
The day I noticed it was the day you sat down next to me in Mr. Ryder’s 6th period economy class.
Bored,
I spun my pen in the air with my fingers. The buzzing noise of high schoolers played endlessly in the background. Suddenly I felt a giant thud ripple across my desk. Pen in mid spin, I looked up and was met face to face with the most obnoxiously patterned covered backpack I have ever seen.
“Cool
trick!”
My eyes switch their focus from the backpack to the voice.
“Oh thanks.” I say politely.
“I wish I could do that!” you sigh while slumping into the chair next to mine.
“It’s not that hard, I could teach you... if you want.”
“Really?! You would do that?”
“Yeah, it’s no problem.” I say handing you my pen. “Okay so, you want to move your fingers like this,” I say while demonstrating with an invisible pen.
Your brows furrow and your mouth pouts as your clumsy fingers try to maneuver the pen around. The pen falls to the desk with a clang before it can travel a full circle.
“This is so hard!” you proclaim, smacking your hands onto the table.
“Just practice some more. You’ll get it soon.” I laugh, picking up the pen from the table and handing it to you.
“That’s enough practice for today.” you say.
“But you only tried it once!” I exclaim.
“I know.” you say adamantly.
Bursts of laughter escape our mouths as the bell rings and the class starts.
D.
A big, red D was branded on my paper.
“Yeesh! That must suck.” you say, peering over my shoulder.
“Hey eyes off my paper!” I retort, quickly flipping my paper over.
“Sorry sorry! It was an accidental glance, I swear!” you say, laughing, while raising your hands in defense.
I roll my eyes.
“Doesn’t matter, you still saw it. And you weren’t supposed to...” My voice trails off.
“Hey, are you okay?” You say as your warm hand touches my shoulder.
I jerk away.
“Of course I’m not. What would make you think that I’m okay?”
I glare but then immediately regret it. Your hand travels back to your side and your eyes meet mine with the most compassionate look I have ever seen.
“I can help you study.”
My chest tightens a bit and I quickly avert my glance.
“Okay,” I mumble. “Thanks...”
I wish I never had agreed.
Excitedly,
you burst through the front door of your house.
“I’m home!” You happily yell.
Your introduction was met with silence.
“Oh, well I guess my mom's not home yet.” you mumble, embarrassed as I laugh.
“Stop laughing!” you pout.
“Haha okay okay, sorry.”
“Come on, let's head to my room and we can begin the much anticipated study sesh!” you say while dragging me up the stairs.
I roll my eyes, “Okay fine.”
Your laughter ripples through the hallway like a gentle breeze through the sky and I can feel something inside me open.
Friends.
I think that’s what we are now. Quite a surprising turn of events considering you always had so many and I had very few. I remember how my eyes were always drawn to you, even before you sat down next to me. You seemed to be able to effortlessly converse with everyone. I remember feeling jealous of you. You will never know how happy I was when you plopped your obnoxiously patterned covered backpack down on my desk that day.
“Graceful”
You once said, leaning over the edge, peering into the rink.
“Ah… thanks.” I say sheepishly, skating over. “I told you that you didn’t have to come.”
“Are you serious?! How could I not come to your regional competition! I can’t believe you just randomly told me yesterday that you have this ice skating competition today! We’ve been friends since the start of second semester, yet you’ve never told me that you could ice skate! Not only that, but you're like, really really good!”
I brush my hair out of my face, “I’m not... that good.”
“Are you kidding? You were amazing! You looked like you were gliding across the ice!” you exclaim, flailing your arms around excitedly.
“Haha okay, okay I get it.” I say while walking out of the rink. “Thanks for the compliments.”
I look up slowly and meet your eyes.
“Heh, you're welcome!” you say while flashing that signature smile.
Hiking
is what we did on that one beautiful Saturday.
I woke up that day to the ringing of, not my alarm clock, but of my apartment door. Annoyed, I reluctantly pulled the covers off my drowsy body and dragged my feet to the door. I opened it and there you were, standing there carrying your dumb patterned covered backpack with the dumbest and biggest smile plastered across your face.
“What do you want…” I sighed while smoothing out my bed hair.
You swung your car keys in front of my face. “Let’s go hiking!”
I groaned. “You want to do what?”
“Hiking! Do I need to spell it out for you? H-I-K-I-”
“Okay, okay stop that’s enough.” I say shoving my hands over your mouth.
You laugh and your warm breath touches the insides of my palms.
“Come onnn, it'll be so much fun! We can spend the morning walking through trees that are two-stories tall and at noon we can have a picnic while sitting in a bed of flowers!”
“Picnic?” I ask curiously, my ears perking up.
“Yeah, a picnic! I have everything already packed in this bookbag! I made your favorite sandwich. Turkey on sourdough with lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and lots and lots of sriracha.” You exclaim while holding up your book bag to my face like it’s a gold medal you just won.
“Okay fine, you’ve convinced me,” I say while dramatically rolling my eyes. “I’ll come with you, just give me 10 minutes to change and get ready.”
“Okay!” you say, your eyes lighting up.
I turn away as a small smile blossoms on my face.
“I…
I think I like you a lot.”
You say, breaking the silence.
“Hm? Yea I like you a lot too. You’re my best friend.” I say while plucking off a leaf from a fallen branch.
“I mean yeah you’re my best friend too but...” you trailed off.
“But?” I ask.
“Nevermind, it’s nothing.” you say as you stand up from the grass.
“Where are you going?”
“Bathroom...” You mumble.
I lay there in the grass, listening as your footsteps trail further and further away. Your words echo in my head, I think I like you a lot.
My chest begins to tighten.
Joy.
Everyday was filled with so much joy that it felt like a dream. We spent every waking moment with one another. We met up during class breaks, we ate lunch together, we did homework together, and we stayed up all night talking on the phone. But sometimes, I found myself staring at you just a little bit too long. Sometimes I feel my chest tighten and my cheeks flare up when I’m around you. Sometimes I found myself wanting to hold hands with you, to hug you, to be with you.
Kiss.
I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know what was happening. But that night, when you dropped me off outside my apartment complex, as we stood outside in the cold night air, not wanting to bid the other goodbye, the soft light from the streetlight above illuminated your face, making it the only sight I saw. Your hand let go of mine and slowly trailed up. You gently cupped my face with your hands and looked at me tenderly, as if you were asking me for permission. A rush of heat bloomed across my face as I leaned closer. And then we touched and then I fell. Fell into the warmest embrace.
One where I didn’t ever want to leave.
Love.
Love is sweeter than the purple lollipops you always ate. Love is warmer than the white, fluffy blanket you gifted me on our first Christmas together.
Love is everything.
You are my everything.
Mornings
were what I longed for. Because I knew that when the sun rose from its slumber, you would too. Because I knew that once I woke up, I would receive a good morning message and a picture of your half awake, grinning face. Because I knew we would then meet up for coffee at our favorite coffee place.
Mornings meant seeing you again.
Nights
were spent cuddling with you under the white, fluffy blanket, sitting on my couch. We laughed and talked for hours on end. Once I asked you why you always wore an amethyst bracelet. You said that it was your birthstone. I teased you for believing in the idea of birthstones but you just laughed it off.
My favorite part of the night, though, was when I laid in your lap while you stroked my hair. But the day, when I wanted to do the same for you, your sleeve accidentally rolled up and I saw it. Marks.
Some were so faint you could barely see them while others looked new. My fingers, unknowingly, brushed over them and you jumped up from the couch. I looked at you and I saw something in your eyes that I’ve never seen before. Fear.
Before I could even open my mouth to ask you about the marks, you said that you needed to go to the bathroom.
We never talked about what happened that night on the couch.
I wish we did.
Obviously
something was wrong. I could tell by the look on your face. The dark circles under your eyes from a lack of sleep. Your constant tugging on your amethyst bracelet, a nervous habit of yours. You stopped sending me good morning texts and you began to text less. Talk less. Smile less.
“Please
tell me what’s wrong.” I begged, my eyes brimming with tears.
I grabbed your hands and pulled them close to me.
“Please, please tell me what’s wrong. I know something is wrong. You seem so sad these days. You hardly talk to me and... and you stopped showing up to class. Please... please just tell me, I can’t stand seeing you sad! I-” My voice chokes as a stream of tears flows down my face.
You slide your hands out from my hands and brush them over my eyes, wiping the tears away. You pull me into a tender kiss.
“I’m sorry for worrying you, Love.” you say quietly while caressing my face.
“Yeah, you should be.” I say angrily between uneven breaths.
You pull me into a warm embrace and you snuggle your head into the nook of my shoulder.
“Why don’t we go head to bed. We can cuddle and talk.”
“Okay” I say while rubbing the remaining tears off my face.
Why did I let you hug me that night? I should have been the one
hugging you.
Quiet.
You became unusually quiet that night as we sat on the couch, me on your lap, with the white blanket wrapped around us and music playing in the background. You were stroking my head, knowing that it would instantly lull me to sleep. Suddenly, you stopped and your hand slowly dropped to your side.
“Hey, why did you stop?” I say, opening my eyes.
You stay silent so I climb out of your lap and sit next to you.
“Hey Babe? Are you okay?” I say while looking at you.
You finally look up at me and whisper so quietly that I almost didn’t hear it.
“I love you.”
“Yes I know,” I smile. “I love you too.”
You look at me and I see a glimpse of sadness. But before I can say anything more, you push me down onto the couch and press our lips together.
Your kisses are always so tender and gentle, but this time it felt different.
It felt desperate.
Ringing.
There was so much ringing. My head was ringing, my ears were ringing. There was ringing coming from somewhere outside too. But the most painful ringing was the ringing inside.
People in red and blue suits rushed into the room. Yellow tapes were strewn across the perimeter. I was shoved out. But I don’t want to go out. I want to go in. Into that room. But they wouldn’t let me. They keep pushing me back. I was yelling and screaming, pushing my way forward. And then I saw it.
It was covered by a black bag but I saw it. A hand hanging out. A hand dressed with an amethyst bracelet.
That’s when the ringing stopped.
And I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
Suicide.
That’s what the police told me. Deep cuts on both arms. Drugs were also found in the system. Fentanyl they deduced. A large amount was taken.
Their words should have felt like a sharp spear being driven straight through my chest, but I felt nothing.
And that scared me.
Today
I woke up to a heavy downpour. The rain slammed and smashed against my window. The gray clouds above raged and rumbled. I opened our messages out of habit but of course there was nothing there.
Nothing was ever there.
I placed my phone back down on the nightstand and threw my blankets over my head, desperately trying to drone out the rain. Drone out the thunder.
Drone out the tears.
Unfair.
It’s unfair. Unfair that you’re gone. Unfair that you decided to leave me. Unfair that you thought it was okay to hide everything. Unfair that you left me with so much pain while you’re free from the pain. It’s unfair.
Unfair.
Vengeful.
I’m filled with vengeance. I want to drive a knife deep into whatever made you cry. Whatever made you sad. Whatever made you think it was okay to take your own life.
Whatever made you want to give up.
Weeping.
I’ve been crying really easily the past few weeks.
Everywhere I look, I see you. I see you trying to twirl the pen on my desk with your fingers, but you always end up dropping it before it makes a full circle, just like when we were in high school.
I finally did the laundry the other day and I found the white blanket you gave me that Christmas, the one we always used to share while we sat on the couch. I held up the blanket to my face and I could smell you. It was faint but there. I can see you everywhere, and it’s so painful because
I know you are no longer here.
X’s
fill my calendar up till today. The day I’ve been looking forward to.
I wake up to the sunlight, shining onto my face. I pull my arms above my head and stretch my sleepy body. I look over to the picture frame on top of the nightstand.
“Good morning my love.”
I get ready in the bathroom and then I throw on the special outfit that I bought a week ago. I grab my mug and fill it with coffee.
I sit on the couch, coffee in hand. I play our playlist on my phone, place my phone on the table and grab the pen sitting on the table. I sip my coffee slowly, breathing in the calming steam, while the pen dances in my left fingers.
And I sit there, listening to the music, twirling the pen, sipping my coffee, breathing in life.
“Yeesh!
That must suck.” I shout while standing up from the ground and wiping the sweat off my forehead with one hand while the other holds a dirtied shovel.
“Being under the ground I mean. I imagine the dirt isn’t quite as comfortable as our bed but you're going to have to deal with it.” I huff out. “I worked really hard on digging your final resting place so you better be grateful!
The pocket of my jacket begins to vibrate.
“Oh crap, it’s my boss.” I say while looking at the caller ID.
I drop down to my knees and plant a kiss on top of the headstone.
“I’ve got to go now but don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.
I love you.”
“Zebras…
do you think zebras are black with white stripes or white with black stripes?” I ponder, while lying in a bed of green.
“I think they’re black with white stripes. What do you think?”
I lay there, lazily watching the clouds float across the blue sky. I stretch my arms and legs and sit up.
“Do you like the flowers I got you? I think they’re really pretty. I think I did a pretty good job of decorating you.” I say smiling. “Oh and, um, I also got you another gift...”
My voice trails off as I stand up. I nervously smooth out my hair and clothes. I slowly kneel down on one knee in front of the gravestone and I pull out a small velvet, purple box from my pocket.
I take a deep breath and I open it.
A small, gold, braided ring embedded with an amethyst gem rests in the box.
“Will you marry me?”
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