The amount of times that I have been put down is remarkable. My voice was considered invalid, my opinions were considered invalid, I was considered invalid. Brutal blows beat me down. Day after day, I became the smallest person in the world.
Forgotten. Overlooked. Unheard. Neglected. Disregarded.
I felt like a shadow, just a voiceless background figure.
If I had any chance of squeaking out something, I would feel I like a burden. With an apology on the tip of my tongue every time I spoke, my eyes would fall to the ground in shame.
There was this one night I’ll never forget. I knew it was the last time I’d be belittled into silence. I will no longer be a shadow that people walk through. Why, it was the last time I’d be disrespected by someone I thought I knew. I realized that I wanted attention, but especially his. I had thought so highly of him that I sought after his approval. After all these years, I had finally realized that this was unhealthy. Toxic, even. All of the memories we had were now tarnished. He wasn’t going walk over me again. I always felt like I was wrong for my voice. But now it was time for him to have a taste of his own medicine. He was wrong and it was his turn to be ashamed and apologize for his voice.
No matter his response, I was ready to turn a deaf ear to his voice for the first time. It didn’t matter that the past years have been tainted with his constant presence. Forgiveness was on the tip of my tongue. This time I held it in with pride. Because I had grown. After all of those years of drowning in darkness, I found myself.
Unapologetically loud and bright and without a care for his or anyone’s opinion, I had finally come to my own. The needy and dependent little girl I used to be turned to ash. Now, a revolutionized version of me stands.
Appreciated. Shameless. Heard.
But closure? Answers? Never got it. My growth was like a tree, stunted by the coldness of my dear old friend. I could only grow so much.