Irate....
Livid....
Scornful....
Indignant....
All words I could use to describe the way you make me feel. The mere thought of you
makes my blood boil beyond belief. My entire life you treated me so unfairly, so cruelly. To you,
my life was nothing but an exposition for you to mercilessly mock and ridicule as you watch from
the sidelines while I struggle to hold myself together and put on a brave face.
You forced this vociferous narration into my head, telling me that I’d never be good
enough. If I remember correctly, your exact words were “the best thing you could ever amount
to is something less than ordinary.” Unfortunately, that was actually one of the nicer things
you’ve ever said to me. Your truculent, belittling words consumed my thoughts for years on end;
I often wondered if there was any chance that they were true, if you were right, despite being
certain that there wasn’t. You wanted me to self-destruct. You wanted to watch me fall to
pieces, so you kept drilling those words into my head...but, I never did. I never broke. I never
once truly believed the things you told me, because no matter what, no matter how bad of a
person I may or may not have been, at least there was no way for me to be worse than you. I
refused to give you that satisfaction.
I honestly think that’s why you hated me. I refused to succumb to your convention, your
tradition of self sabotage and anger. I refused to let the hell you put me through stop me from
being something greater.
Admit it. Admit that you hated me because I was stronger than you, because I wasn’t a
coward like you were. I wasn’t afraid to fight back, to prove to myself that I was worth more than
you made me out to be. I refused to not defend and protect myself, and you resented that.
The young girl continued writing endlessly, page after page, as she finally let go of
everything she’d been holding back for the seventeen years she’d been alive. She only let the
pen in her hand halt once when she heard a knock on the door.
“You know, Chaeyoung, you’re allowed to open the door,” she said amusedly after
turning towards the entrance and waiting for a moment. She knew her best friend was worried
about her; the past few weeks had been difficult and somewhat traumatizing for them both.
“Normally I would, but I didn’t want to interrupt anything-” the second girl stopped as she
entered the room, immediately noticing the papers littering the desk and floor. “Lex, I know you
said you were gonna write something to help process...everything, but I didn’t think you meant a
whole damn novel.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little.
Lexa smiled back, quickly glancing at the mess around her as she realized how much
time had passed as she vented out her frustrations. “I didn’t think so either,” she said with a
weak, breathy laugh. “I guess I didn’t realize how much I actually had to say.”
“Don’t worry, I get it.... You’ve always had a lot running through that head of yours.”
Chaeyoung sat down on her bed, reaching down to pick up one of the fallen papers as she
briefly read an excerpt of the lengthy note. “You know, I’d say stop here and write a second
edition later if you ever felt the need to, but... we both know he doesn’t deserve that attention.”
“He doesn’t even deserve this much.” Lexa’s voice was laced with bitterness. “For the
first time in my life, I don’t need to constantly look over my shoulder and wait for the other shoe
to drop. I’ve wanted that for so long, but now, I don’t know how to accept that I finally have it.”
“Maybe try to believe that everything’s good for once. Let life be serene and don’t sit
around waiting for something to go wrong.” Chaeyoung bit the side of her mouth. She
remembered how hard it was for her to not constantly wait for the worst when she first came
here and was adopted into this amazing, loving family. She’d just barely met them two years
ago, yet they acted as if she’d been with them her entire life. For months, she feared that they’d
turn on her just like her biological parents had, but they never did. They always reassured her
that she was safe with them, no matter what. “I know we grew up in a place where fighting was
the only way to survive and we would go to bed not knowing if we’d wake up.... We don’t need
to do that anymore. Lex, you don’t need to do that anymore. Let yourself do more than just
survive. You’re safe now, I promise.”
“But what if-”
“And if you’re ever in trouble, you stay strong and fight through it because you are
capable of climbing any mountain that gets in your way...figuratively and literally.” Chaeyoung
reached out and grabbed Lexa's hand. Her best friend was nowhere near an open book, but
after knowing her for years, she could easily see the fear in Lexa’s eyes. “I have seen you get
through unimaginable pain while refusing to let anyone help, and when you have a goal, you
don’t let anything stop you. Trust me, you got this.”
Lexa sighed. “My entire life, there’s been this certainty of having to fight off another
threat everyday and it never scared me because I always knew I could. I don’t know how to not
fight.”
“It takes a while, but you’ll get there.” Chaeyoung drew her hand back and slowly stood
up, glancing at the written text. “I’ll let you finish that. Come down when you’re done, they’re all
worried about you.” She began walking back towards the door.
“I’ve been nothing but horrible to them; why do they care?”
She stopped, turning back around. “I think they realize you were just trying to protect
everyone else... even if it meant bearing all the pain on your own.” She looked down.
“Chae?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault that you didn’t notice something was wrong. I
was pretty good at hiding it.”
“I know,” Chaeyoung shook her head. “Still, you didn’t deserve to go through that.... I’ll
leave you to it.” With that she walked out of the room, allowing Lexa to finish what she’d started
hours ago.
You know, for the longest time, I didn’t just want revenge for what you did. I was
voracious about it. There were days in which it was the only thing I longed for. I craved for you
to pay for all of your wrongdoings. The things you did, the atrocities you commited consumed
me.
Right now, I still hate you. I still despise you with every fiber of my being, but it won’t stay
that way. One day, I’ll be able to make you a mere footnote in the story of my life.... No, that would give you too much credit. One day, you will mean less to me than any stranger down the
street. I will move on and be more than you could ever accept I was capable of being. I will be
extraordinary, while you remain nothing.
You no longer hold any power over me. I can let go of any fear you’ve instilled in me and
finally allow myself to repose, to relax. I will finally be able to do more than just survive; I’ll be
able to live.
I’m going to go do better things with my life, I’m done here. Thanks for nothing.
Comments